回到终点

a friend of mine actually posted this caption yesterday -有没有人会因为害怕失去，而不敢拥有呢？I was actually.. what's the word? Intriguing i suppose? by this sentence. It sort of flash back till the very beginning of my life where i actually was first introduce to this strange emotion - the feeling of being in love. As all stories goes, you're either happy with the person who shared that feeling with you, or you're right here writing this ridiculous post after of cause, you're in pain. Pain is always there for a reason, it's thou why we felt it when our hand got contacted with boiling water. It send a signal to your brain (or spinal cord) and go on to the thalamus which directs it to a few different areas for interpretation. To simplify what i'm trying to express here is, the that signal actually goes back to your hand to move away from the boiling water; Moving your hand away from boiling water actually "saves" you from getting a 3rd degree burn or whatever that might cause injury and harm to yourself. Fear on the other hand, enable and I would like to say, it pairs up with pain to "protect" you; And thankfully, I got both with me. I was hurt and I fear that feeling of sorrow.

I do portrait myself as some people like to put it, a player; A person who actually have advantage when it comes to romance relationship. Truth be told, there's a little girl inside of me crying her way out. I do not despise love, I yearn for it. The way I bring myself, the image I projected is to protect myself. I want people to thought of me as a player, I want them to fear having any intimate connection with me, because beneath this whole "me" i'm much afraid of them. Fear that, when and if we connect,... Lets just leave it that way.

Back to the whole caption caught my eye thingy. After my last relationship, hurting and hurtled, I actually vow and promise myself not to get into the same shit ever again. I'd promise myself not to step into something I'm could not be a hundred and ten percent sure of. I sort of set a wall of china around my feelings with each guards 10 feets around it. I protected my heart, I have to protect it.

And that day, she shown up at my door step. Took my breathe way, teach me, guild me, reintroduce me to that feeling. That feeling I thought it was a myth. I was still afraid, but foolishly I took a leap of faith. Cause I was so sure she was the one. I was so sure, yes, this is someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I was so sure, if I have her, nothing else matter. Nothing else did matter. I dont want her to do this. But I know, she have to. She wanted to. I guess, if you really love a person, you should let her go. Take good care Chloe. I really do love you.